What’s Hiding Behind Your Need to Be 'Perfect?'

Often perfectionism is a symptom of deeper wounds

Many of us have aspects of ourselves that lean towards perfectionism. Years ago, I would have labeled myself as a “perfectionist,” but over time—and with lots of self-compassion—I’ve softened that part of me. Now, I approach myself and my personal standards with much more kindness.

If you resonate with being a perfectionist (or having perfectionistic tendencies), it’s often worth exploring this more deeply in therapy. Understanding the root causes behind these patterns—and working on loosening the need to be “perfect”—can be transformative.

The Deeper Layers of Perfectionism

Often, perfectionistic parts are doing their best to protect wounded inner parts. Beneath that drive for flawlessness might be struggles with low self-esteem, the challenges of being neurodivergent in an ableist world, experiences of oppression, unresolved trauma, shame, or feeling “not good enough.”

On some level, we might believe that if we get straight A’s, excel in sports, or do everything “right,” we’ll finally feel worthy and accepted. Perfectionism can act like armor, guarding us from painful emotions, self-doubt, dysregulation, or deeper wounds.

It’s powerful to pause and ask: What’s driving my perfectionism? What am I afraid might happen if I let go of doing everything ‘flawlessly?’ Unpacking these questions with a skilled therapist can provide insight and relief.

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Why Perfectionism Often Backfires

Though perfectionistic behaviors may seem helpful—like they’re keeping us safe from harm—they often increase stress and emotional pain in the long run.

For example, when I was in college, I was consumed by the need to maintain perfect grades. I’d sacrifice self-care, time with friends, and my mental well-being to feel ‘in control.’ Academic success became my coping strategy after experiencing trauma. But this cycle was draining and unsustainable.

There’s nothing wrong with caring about your performance or setting goals, but when fear and perfectionism are the driving forces—especially when you feel unable to cope with imperfection—the emotional toll can be huge.

For me, the pressure I placed on myself led to anxiety, and I turned to eating disorder behaviors as a way to manage it all. It was exhausting.

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Healing Means Addressing Both the Perfectionism and Its Roots

Therapeutic approaches like Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can help you challenge the rules perfectionistic parts create.

At the same time, working through the core wounds that fuel the perfectionism is essential. Both pieces are important for healing your relationship with yourself.

Finding a therapist who understands and specializes in perfectionism can make a big difference.

You are worthy of a life where you can be gentle with yourself. Life is far too short to spend it chasing unattainable standards. You deserve freedom.

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Journal Prompts for Exploring Perfectionism

• How do you personally define perfectionism? In which areas of life does it show up for you?

• In what ways does perfectionism help you (or feel helpful) right now?

• In what ways is perfectionism getting in your way or causing difficulty?

• When did you first notice perfectionism becoming a part of your life? Can you recall the earliest memory?

• If you let go of perfectionism, how might your life feel different?

• What fears (if any) come up when you think about embracing imperfection and letting things be “good enough”?

• What do you believe is at the root of your perfectionistic tendencies?

• What is one small, doable action you can take this week to start loosening perfectionism’s grip?

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Jennifer Rollin, MSW, LCSW-C: Reach out for eating disorder therapy here. Jennifer is an eating disorder therapist and founder of The Eating Disorder Center in Rockville, Maryland. The Eating Disorder Center sees teens and adults for outpatient eating disorder therapy in Maryland, Virginia, DC, Pennsylvania, Florida, New York, and California. Jennifer is the co-author of The Inside Scoop on Eating Disorder Recovery.

This blog is not intended as medical advice, therapy, or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. It is for informational and educational purposes only. Reading this blog does not constitute a client/therapist relationship.